Tuesday, May 4, 2010

mother love

many years ago as a young teenager who had many lofty ideas about my future, i said these words to my mother: "i don't want to be JUST a mother". i realize now that these words hurt my mother ( i guess i realized it as soon as they left my mouth). they attacked her very being, but they were misunderstood by her. my definition of motherhood was molded by her example.

my mom was a good person. she enjoyed life to the fullest, was an excellent cook, a dedicated wife to my father, and had tons of friends, but memories of her as a loving mother are not mine. i remember her many activities; card clubs, golf, bowling, morning coffee get togethers, etc, but she was not a confidant, a tender ear or an understanding heart that i so needed as a young, ugly duckling girl.

my mother reminded me of those words several times after i became a mother, but i couldn't tell her what i really meant, even then.

being a mother isn't just keeping a house, cooking, and taking care of the everyday tasks that are never ending. those are the things that i didn't want to "just" be. i wanted to have children and raise them to be righteous, excellent people in this world. i wanted to be aware of their struggles and experience the wonder of their differences. i don't know if i have accomplished these goals, but i have felt moments of gratification.

to me, Mother love is many things:

the desire to be a mother
unconditional love (but not always like)
the ability to see ALL and yet to appear not to notice at times
to be able to let wierd outfits be worn- that hideous shirt, or beloved pants- even in public
to feel pain and regret after carrying out a punishment
to hurt when that child hurts
to find or make time for those special moments with each child
to show wonder and appreciation for the beautiful creations of the world
to look for service opportunities to instill this principle in the lives of my children
to be humorous
to let my children see my individuality and its importance
to be willing to be flexible but always stand for the principles and love of our Eternal Father and His Son

these are only of some of what defines mother love. even though my children are grown, there are still so many opportunities to express my love to each of them. i continue to find success and experience failure and disapointment, but i continue to try and because of this have had many blessings come my way.

to shannon, katie, nella, and joanna (in the future); i have loved being a mother and i pray that the years that lie ahead for each of you will allow you to feel the blessings of this great mother love.

my final comments are to my child that i was not able to raise. due to choices i made many years ago, i gave up the opportunity to be with him. i am grateful for his persistant search and his unconditional love for me.

this is a bittersweet time, as my mom is no longer with us. i sometimes wish i could have explained what i meant to her, but her world was different from mine and she was happy in
hers. i'm hoping that now she understands my words to her so long ago .